From: "Susan G."
To: web_master@playazon.com, customerservice@playazon.com,
orphan_finger@playazon.com
Subject: Playazon Dream Interpretation
I had a dream that there was a horrible commercial web site trying to make money off of such bullshit items as "Magic Rocks" and ridiculous "playa" branded bottled water!! It was not a dream, but rather a NIGHTMARE....then I woke up to discover that this shiteous site not only existed but was a sponsor of a commercial cable special... an ANTITHESIS to the unique non-monetary barter based community that BM has always been.
This site gave me the full-on chills! Bullshit like this is helping to turn
BM into "Woodstock 2007"!
If you care AT ALL about the beautiful community that Burning Man offers, do not buy anything from this site, and actively rebel against the "valet"; "domestic"; etc services offered here. Iron your own costumes beforehand, shake out your own fricking sheets -- this is survivalist camping, not a fucking hotel!! The whole challenge is to see what you can bring to the environment --- NOT to see what you can pay for the environment to bring to you.
From: Orphan Finger <customerservice@playazon.com>
To: Susan G
Subject: Re: Playazon Dream Interpretation
Dear Susan,
Just as music hath charms to soothe the savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak, it is well known in the world of commerce that free merchandise can have a similar effect on the wrathful consumer and those of similar ilk who have yet to fully understand the subtle beauty and natural wonder of the free market place. May we please send you something to calm your nerves and perhaps allow you the peace of mind to consider an alternate view of the products and services that Playazon provides to the citizens of Black Rock City? Just send us a mailing address where you would like your free gift delivered and we will dispatch post-haste a box of our delightful Forget-Me-Not condoms. It is our sincere hope – that with proper use - these will brighten your sullen mood help you dream more pleasant dreams.
Thanks for taking the time to write. Hope to see you on the playa next year.
Orphan Finger
Customer Service Representative
Playazon.com
Hello and Happy New Year,
So what's going on here? I am sure you get lots of
questions regarding this store and how you have
allowed yourselves to sell things that are related to
burning man. So it would make sense for you to have on
your web site a link that takes you to a page that
explains who you are, and why you have chosen to do
what you are doing.
What is with the dollar sign in the burning man logo? That IS offensive. Are you affiliated with the burning man organization. Are you anti-burning man? Does that mean I can make an e-commerce store selling products like you? All I would have to do is take your logo with the dollar sign and put another vertical line through the S so as to make it different and I would call it playazone.com
So I believe that I deserve at least an explanation.
Gilbert
From: Orphan Finger <customerservice@playazon.com>
Dear Mr. Chamaa,
Thanks for taking the time to write to us. We fully agree with you that we need an “About Us” page and/or mission statement on our site. Since our webmaster is on extended leave and this information is not likely to be posted soon, let me fill you in on what we are up to.
Playazon is a co-op of longtime Burning Man participants. Between our office staff and our suppliers we have over 275 years of Burning Man attendance to our credit. Our goal is to help promote and support individual artists, craftsmen and entrepreneurs that supplement their day jobs supplying the less creative members of our community with the goods, costumes and gifting materials that they need to be responsible participants. Some people have a great amount of talent but very little cash flow... other people have little imagination but an excess of cash. We are trying to bring these two groups together for their own mutual benefit and for the benefit of the Burning Man Project as a whole.
Even though our legal department was not amused by your PlayaZone idea and logo treatment, I have to say that I love it! And as you might guess, if we can get away with ripping off the Burning Man logo you can do the same with us. In case you are seriously considering becoming an alternate sales outlet for BRC residents I have attached a Playazon wholesale price list. You will notice that not everything on the Playazon web site is available in our price list... this is due to the fact that many items we carry are only available in limited quantities or with margins too small to support a reseller. Please note that most Playazon items can be re-branded to fit in with your own corporate image.
At the moment we are only working with burners/manufacturers that have not been given the public support and exposure that some others receive from the Burning Man Organization. There are many fine “officially sanctioned“ Burning Man products available that we do not carry at this time and we encourage you to support these artistes (either at the wholesale or retail level). You can find many of them in the resource issue of The Jackrabbit Speaks (Volume #9; Issue #24).
If we can be of any further help, please feel free to contact us.
Good luck in your endeavors and a good new year to you.
Orphan Finger
Customer Service Representative
Playazon.com
From: ••••••@law.harvard.edu
Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2005 09:00:02 -0500
To: customerservice@playazon.com
Subject: ++ Playazon ++
Hi there,
I was just rummaging through some stuff and found one of your little laminated fliers that I tore down during burning man. It was one of several that I managed to remove. It appears that you have missed one of the central themes of burning man or have put on an elaborate ruse to fuck with people. In the event of the the latter, you're idiots, c'est la vie. In the event of the former, fuck you.
d boyer
Mr. Boyer,
Thanks for taking the time to write. Though we sympathize with your heart-felt activity we also need to inform you that your actions are misdirected and could easily be construed as criminal activity.
As an official vendor of the Burning Man Event, we are sanctioned by the organizers to post information regarding our location and services. Specifically, we were instructed to post our laminated cards on the street signs and not on the lamp stands or on any structures or art work not erected by the DPW. We realize the sensitivity that some people have regarding the commercialization of the event and try to make our advertisements as interesting and non-intrusive as possible. We prefer to think of them as "art" - and with that in mind, would like to point out the following to you:
1. Tearing down art work at Burning Man is not only an infringement on an individual's or corporation's freedom of speech but also violates one of the Burning Man central themes of self-expression.
2. If you were simply stealing or vandalizing our art, that is another issue - but I am sure I don't need to explain the implications of those types of actions to someone with a Harvard Law School e-mail address.
Not to worry though, we put those up for people to take home (though preferably when the event is over), so in a sense, we appreciate your participation (as you know Burning Man is all about participation).
Also, though we are an official event vendor, we obviously don't have the same clout nor do we enjoy the same protection afforded by Black Rock City LLC legal counsel as some of the larger, more established vendors such as the Center Camp Cafe and the BM ticket outlet. So if you ever find yourself with some free time and a desire to volunteer we would appreciate any help you could provide (there seems to be no end to the cease and desist letters we need to write...).
As previously mentioned, we do understand your point of view regarding vending and commercial sales at the Burning Man Event. If you care to further express your opinion and concerns on the matter I would suggest you contact the following principals of Black Rock City LLC:
Larry Harvey, Executive Director: swordfish@burningman.com
Marian Goodell, Mistress of Communications: marian@burningman.com
Thanks again for taking the time to write. Hope to see you at the gift shop next year.
Orphan Finger
Customer Service Representative
Playazon.com
Five comments on “merkin flashlight” on Naughty Alliance.com
Posted: Jun 24 2005, 03:05 PM
http://www.playazon.com/fashion/merkin_light.html
I don't think there's really anything I can say to top that.
Posted: Jun 24 2005, 03:25 PM
Now that's just gross. _<
Posted: Jun 24 2005, 08:43 PM
That is quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
Who the fuck needs a vagina wig + flashlight?
Posted: Jun 24 2005, 11:31 PM
Somewhere, some woman is thinking, "Hot damn! Now people will be able to find me in that dark swinger's club!"
Posted: Jun 25 2005, 12:28 AM
Not a big fan of the flashlight, but I do enjoy the hair color. Then again, I've always had a thing for neon/day-glow blue/pink (and occasionally purple) hair.
Three comments on “merkin flashlight” on Tractor-Boys.com
Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 10:17 pm
Can anyone explain this to me?
http://www.playazon.com/fashion/merkin_light.html
Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 10:25 pm
Does that mean that you haven't got one?
Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 10:41 pm
Its a new devise, Brought over here by the americans, and its made for muff diving
To: orphan_finger@playazon.com
Subject: Website - check out issue?
hi - i'm just trying to reach a live person... i have
been trying to make a purchase on your website for a
week now and your checkout process (for new
registrants) always has the same 6 + hour wait. I
think your website is 'hung up' and not letting anyone
through.... help! ;)
To: web_master@playazon.com, service@playazon.com
Subject: Fwd: Website - check out issue?
Hi - is sent the attached email yesterday... just tried to checkout again today and same exact message is coming up.... same numbers and everything.
thanks... hopefully this can be fixed?
To: customerservice@playazon.com
Subject: Website - check out issue?
Hi - i think you're website is 'hanging' - for the
last 4 hours I've received this message - same
numbers, no one is going through. I'm a new
customer, not an existing: Unable to connect to secure server due to high request volume All page requests will be processed in the order received
You are customer # 10305
Now serving # 9464
Your estimated wait time is approximately: 9 hour(s) and 27 minute(s)
From: orphan_finger@playazon.com
Subject: RE: Website - check out issue?
Dear Ms Endsley,
I'm sorry to inform you that we have no "live" people to speak with regarding this issue. Our orders are processed by vocational training interns in maximum security prisons located throughout the country. It is possible that the inmate responsible for your order has been released, moved to solitary, or executed. We can only suggest that you keep trying and you may or may not eventually get lucky. After all, good things do or do not come to those who wait.
Yours,
Orphan Finger
Customer Service Representative
Playazon.com
To: orphan_finger@playazon.com
Subject: Magazine coverage
Hello Miss Orphan Finger,
My name is Greg Hughes and I work for a magazine called Bizarre and we are interested in featuring your Merkin Flashlight as a product our readers might like to buy. Would it be possible to send us a sample that we can shoot for inclusion in the mag?
Hope to hear back from you soon.
Many thanks,
Greg Hughes
Sub Editor
Bizarre
From: orphan_finger@playazon.com
Subject: RE: Magazine coverage
Dear Mr. Hughes
Thank you for your interest in our Merken Flashlight and your kind offer of publicizing our product in your fine magazine. Bizarre Magazine is well known around our office and we actually have several images from your publication up on the wall. Unfortunately, ours is a very small operation and requests for samples of this product (currently running 3:1 to orders) have outstripped our capability to provide samples for product reviews. A print resolution version of the photo of the Merken Flashlight (same image as is shown on our website) is available though we do understand if the mood of this image is not appropriate or in keeping with the style of Bizarre. Also, since we are not set up for overseas shipping at this time, this item may be of limited interest to your subscribers.
Thanks again for your interest.
Orphan Finger
Customer Service Representative
Playazon.com
Posted: Sunday, June 26, 2005
Exactly ten days ago I blogged about merkins, but was unable to find a picture for an example.
A dear (intellectual, flirtatious, MSN) friend and favorite lurker has found me one - not just any old one, but a torch version (for finding your mark in the dark, presumably,) complete with two detachable 'beards'.
And here it is! After all the speculation, I see it looks nothing like real hair, nor like My Little Pony, but more like a Gonk. Remember them? Anyhow heres some of the sales blurb courtesy of Playazon:
"The perfect marriage of form and function - our Merkin Flashlight helps leave something to the imagination as well as providing hands free illumination. This three-bulb, ultra-bright L.E.D. light provides three levels of constant light output and two blinking "lure" modes. The pivoting lamp head allows you to shine light exactly where you want."
So, how's that for flash? (Pun!) Lure mode? What, so it's like attracting fireflies? Seriously it comes with "an extended wear toupee tape that provides up to six weeks of continuous adhesion". I mean, really, if you had one of these, could you wear it for six minutes? Aren't you supposed to rip it off like some giant fluffy sticking plaster before the torch lights dig into someone's err, something?
On the same site, I came across this: The Mr Larry Love Doll. Honestly, the men get giant (roughly) anatomically correct women dolls with outsize boobs and optional voice tracks (see earlier post) - we get something that looks like it ought to come with a bicycle puncture repair kit, or at least gaffer tape.
But ladies, before we start an outcry, Mr Larry swings both ways, or at least I think he does, unless the 'passages' are for feeding him cake?
Five comments on “Merken Flashlight”
Milt Bogs said...
An analyst's dream! :)
gonnabecanuck said...
Oooohh, just what a gal wants... a detachable seven inch tent stake. *lmao* That merkin is quite the fashion accessory, eh? I think I'll have to remain au natural... I wouldn't want to be electrocuted when water short circuited the light during bathing or other moist activities.
Cheryl said...
Hehehe I like this, it's like 'Where's Wally?'
Anyone else found the 'tent stake'? Hint: couture by Milletts / K-Mart?
(Phwoar, 'ello darling, is yer tent stake detachable then? No? Well come here and we'll fix that......)
ella m. said...
How many Muppets had to die to make that thing?
Ally said...
Merkin - hmm. What ella.m said. And wouldn't it itch?
Larry Love Doll. Good grief. My elbows are tingling, and not in a good way.
To: orphan_finger@playazon.com
Subject: shocked & appalled
Miss Finger,
I cannot believe what this has come to. I knew that burning man was changing for the worst but this has me outraged. The audacity of some people has me losing faith in the underground humanity. You and your degenerate company 'playazon.com' should be ashamed of the way you are conducting yourself.
Specifically, my anger is surrounding the unposted hours of operation of the gift shop on the playa. How am I supposed to schedule my activities if I don't even know which PlayaTour to take if i don't know if there is enough time to get my gift shopping done. I am also bothered that i received an advertisment from 'YOUR' company stating that Canadian residents would be allowed to shop 'duty free'. Isn't that the equivalent of Racism? What is so special about 'those people' in Canada? Do you know that they are practically French? And I know that you know what that means. One more major complaint is about the battery operated iron. How come i could operate my 14.4 volt Makita power tool for one full day but yet after it is converted to steam power I can only iron for a few minutes? Is there a problem with your conversion table? Is there any way to power it with glow sticks for efficiency?
I have forwarded a copy of this to the Commissioner of Consumer Products at BRC2 LLC and other affiliated consumer complaint departments on & off the playa.
Thanks for ruining what used to be a nice little party in the desert, bitch!
T. V.
a concerned playa consumer
From: orphan_finger@playazon.com
Subject: RE: shocked & appalled
Dear Concerned,
Trust me, I share your exact feelings about them darn Canucks. So let me let you in on a little know fact - It turns out that in 1942, the US government signed over the mineral rights to the Black Rock Desert to the Canadian government for the next 200 years... and due to a bit of confusion with the conversion from metric to the imperial system in the land lease, our neighbors to the north ended up owning the air rights above the desert to a height of 16 feet (4.8768 meters). So if we don't play nice with the Canadians, we could face being permanently evicted from the playa, and next year we would all be heading to Bakersfield to watch the man burn.
Orphan Finger
Customer Service Representative
Playazon.com
To: legal@playazon.com
Subject: confused
is this website for real? are you really selling more shit that people don't need or making a profit off of something that was based on sharing and communal support and creativity... i mean selling a car kit, that is a joke right?
please enlighten me
thank you,
z
To: marketing@playazon.com
Subject: a few suggestions
I am looking for a sunscreen that gives that classic "just applied sunscreen and here comes a dust storm" look. perhaps a sticky creme and a compact of playa dust or better yet perhaps that patina can be obtained in one application. I believe the same product can be used for hair care too to achieve the look in the attached image. I think this product could be a hit year round.
Also do you sell full length burkas? I would like the complete cover for shade protection but would like something with hoops to keep that damned cloth away from my body.
thanks,
Jack
To: <marketing@playazon.com
Subject: Product Idea
We are very interested in getting an "Inflatable Larry". Such product would be definitely a hit. I believe that the first one we would get delivered would be offered to the BORG 2 people for their amusement. May be an "Inflatable Jim Mason" for next year ??? Let us know if you would consider to manufacture those.
Regards
One comment on “Playazon”
Maybe I’m way to gullible here because I had a strong emotional reaction to this bit of Americana (capitalism consumerism materialism). Before I launch a anti-playazon campaign I have to ask, Is this a joke?
To: <customerservice@playazon.com
Subject: Shocking
THIS IS DISGUSTING !!
I have come from Australia on 9 occasions to enjoy burning man - first year was '94
we have seen this coming and frankly it's the main reason we go to the desert - to avoid this crap.
I have a masters in marketing - and one would hope as
marketers we would have the brains to recognize a philosophy
of an event that is very special - and keep our fingers out
of the pie.
BECAUSE YOU WILL RUIN THE PIE !
you will end out - like every other bloody thing - over commercialized disney landish....
and with all those boring straighto's buying your shit and attending...
BM - gone !
WAKE UP - and stop this retardation NOW !
To: jobs@playazon.com
did lamplighters for a couple years and want to do other stuff. and most importantly, do I get a cut for working?
To: sales@playazon.com
Subject: Burning Man Viewmaster set.
Dear Mr. Larry,
So I've sort of been planning to do a 3D Burning Man book for oh, let's say, 6 years. So I got a new computer and am planning to get a really good scanner and take a class or two to learn how to use my Mac. So you might guess how happy I was when three of my 3D friends forwarded the news of a 3D Viewmaster Reel Set of BM. Not very. Twenty-two reels covering every year!!! Oh my God. Where did this come from?? I didn't think they had 2D pictures from the first years, let alone 3D. I started to suspect they had done 3D computer conversions. They don't even need real 3D pictures anymore. I felt like someone had hit me in the gut. I thought, "well, I think I will still try to make my book", but my head hung low. Then one of my friends said that this website said that the reels contained some of my images! Now my brain started to convulse and detach. I finally checked out the website myself and put -5606754 and .00000632 together and got YOU. YOU, MY FRIEND! Well, of course, you did send me an innocuous e-mail with the address. I keep all your e-mails and put them in a special place. But I hadn't had time to look at this one. I've been so down from the news of the viewmaster reels that even though I know they don't exist, I still feel like they do. I keep having to remind myself that they don't exist, and I can still do my book. Someone said that maybe this is a sign to get my ass moving and do something. Well at the moment the only ass I feel like moving is yours. You really got us going...
Three comments on “merkin flashlight”
Re: merkin flashlight!!?
that's fucking retarded. i've been wanting to go out basically naked at night on the playa, or use a flashlight during the day.
these guys are really special. almost as cool as that "funkee burner virgin" who wanted people to pay her to glue glitter on their goggles so she could afford to make it to the playa last year.
Re: merkin flashlight
That light offends me for the price. They are essentially selling a 3xLED lamp for 45 bucks. I'll make you the same thing for a fraction of the cost
Re: merkin flashlight
btw, did you notice that the merkin's LEDs have a 'lure' mode? i'm fairly curious as to what that entails. is it meant to just be blinky in a pleasant manner or is it some sort of mesmerizing pattern that gets your pavlovian response going? perhaps it just turns from red to green?
To: <marketing@playazon.com
Subject: you guys don't get it do you???
Go away!
To: <customerservice@playazon.com
Subject: this is terrible
THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING BURNING MAN IS ABOUT........
THIS SITE SUCKS ASS TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST!
To: <parts@playazon.com
Subject: PLAYA IS NOT FOR SALE
THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING THAT BURNING MAN IS ABOUT. TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST
To: <sales@playazon.com
Subject: THIS BLOWS
YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND.........
THIS MUST BE A JOKE
THIS GOES AGAINST THE PRINCIPLES OF BURNING MAN..........
To: <marketing@playazon.com
Subject: BAD IDEA
THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING BURNING MAN IS ABOUT.....
TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST
To: web_master@playazon.com jobs@playazon.com legal@playazon.com
Subject: BAD IDEA
THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING BURNING MAN IS ABOUT.....
I'M GOING TO PRETEND I DIDN'T SEE THIS OTHERWISE I'LL GO OUT OF MY MIND.
